Mars, Age 20, Texas
MARS: At first I felt anger, now it’s just frustration. I’m over eighteen. I’m mostly angry for the kid that I was. I did sports as a kid, and I wasn’t out yet. I don’t know where I would have been without it. Thinking about kids who aren’t going to have that source of fun and team building… You’re already so ostracized, as a child going through puberty. So, as a trans kid, it’s probably eight-hundred times worse. It’s so frustrating to see people restricting kids just being kids.
I go to school out of state, and it’s emotionally exhausting and upsetting knowing that I’m so isolated from what’s going on here in Texas. A lot of people that I know in Massachusetts are very hoity-toity about how it’s so much better up there, and it’s always difficult to get people to care. It can happen anywhere. It’s happening in places other than the South, we all know this.
DAD: While you were speaking, I was thinking about how you told me once about how bad it makes you feel when people up North who live in a state where they have a higher percentage of Democrats think these laws aren’t really an issue. You were sort of feeling this crunch from both sides, being so angry about what’s happening at home but also feeling defensive when you’re at school.
MARS: Defensive is a very good word. I do hate it here a lot, because there’s…
DAD: There’s a lot to hate.
MARS: Yeah. As a trans person in Texas, it’s hard. We deserve to live wherever and be happy. Right? I shouldn’t have to leave to be happy. But it’s still bad in other places. That’s why I try to be loud about it. That’s why I talk about you guys so often. I have so many friends up in progressive New England who don’t have accepting parents. I’m like, “You guys can come be with my parents.”
MOM: Even though Mars and their sibling are older, it’s still affecting other families we know. I personally know a handful of Texas families that have moved this summer. Some just, spur of the moment almost. They said, “This is it. This is the moment we’re leaving.” Like Mars said, families should not have to leave. We know a family who was investigated by CPS retroactively for their older kid getting gender-affirming care. And that’s terrifying. We are all hoping to get to our kid’s magic age of eighteen, and yet maybe that doesn’t even help anymore.
DAD: I’m a lawyer. I don’t do family law, but I know enough about these laws to feel endangered. At one point we had to hire, or at least engage, three different lawyers - one for us, one for Indigo, their sibling who received gender-affirming care before eighteen, and one for our son who is fifteen, because there’s a possibility that they could pull him away from us. They could take him away from us just because of the love we showed our other child. I can’t even describe the discomfort and anger that created.
MOM: There’s an incredible, incredible community of people who want to fight, who care about not only trans kids but trans adults. And that’s what opened my eyes - it’s not just my kids. And that’s kinda the whole point. Even if it doesn’t affect us personally, it does affect people!
DAD: It affects people we love and care about.
MARS: It’s so hard to be active in the Texas fight when I’m far away, so I was hoping that this would be a little way of doing that. I still feel like a kid, especially since I’m new-er in my transition. I want to protect the people who are actually kids, who are going through what I’m going through at the same time. And who may be in much less safe spaces than I am. I’m lucky that I get to do it with my parents.
DAD: That’s one of the most interesting benefits of all this, particularly of our testifying at the capitol. All the people we met, what I’ll call the protective network of people who, for a career, have committed to doing this work. All of whom we cannot possibly give enough thanks. And a lot of them are lawyers, ACLU Texas and Lambda Legal, just some really smart, loving, caring, battle-worn people that are inspiring as hell to be around. And who have encouraged both of us to seek deeper, wider ways that we can help.
MARS: It gets better. I know that’s so cheesy, and you’ve probably heard it a million times, but it does get better. I know not everyone is afforded this opportunity, but going to college, I met so many trans people. I’ve never met that many. There were maybe, like, two trans people out at my high school. …Once you get older, things will get better.
DAD: If you love your kids, then love ‘em. Love ‘em no matter what. Love ‘em unconditionally, no matter what. I have this mantra that I developed with Indigo, Mars’ sibling. We were in this really diverse space, a very eclectic group of queer people. And I just looked around the room, and for some reason blurted out of my mouth, “Be who you are. Love who they are.” And Indie and I really connect on that. They made me a bracelet with the initials of that. They have it tattooed on their arm.
MOM: Let your kid be who they are. Sometimes that can be hard, from a parental point of view. If your child is changing, revealing who they are, and it’s not who you expected they were going to be, it can be hard to shift those expectations. But if you can make it over that hump, then it’s a lot easier to give kids the support that they need. That looks different for every kid. Just keep in your mind that it’s worth it, because that’s what your kids need and deserve.
DAD: Your kids do not exist for the purpose of satisfying your expectations. They exist for the purpose of being who they are and being happy.