Noelle (Not Pictured), Florida
MOM: It is a courageous act to live as yourself in a world that’s telling you that you are wrong and broken. I’m a sixth generation Florida native. Noelle would be a seventh generation, and we shouldn’t have to uproot our lives and leave because of the belief systems of our governor. Small government shouldn’t be so large that it makes us uproot our lives because they hate us. This shouldn’t be political, period. My child just wants to live as their authentic self, and they’re trying to legislate that away, and that’s not freedom.
The first couple years of high school, Noelle gave zero shits about what people thought of her. She came out when she was 16 – she ended her sophomore year going by male pronouns and came back to school as a junior with a new name and new pronouns and didn’t care. She was just so happy. I don’t know if it’s the continual bombardment coming from these laws, or losing a big group of friends after coming out, or living with chronic illness, but she finally just told me that she didn’t want to live anymore and that’s when I took her to her psychiatric in-patient program where she is now.
I have to wait for Noelle to call me from the facility, and they have no visiting hours because of COVID. The last time we talked I asked if she wanted me to do this photograph with an empty chair, and I could hear her gasp through the phone. She said, ‘Yeah that’s really powerful.’ She had really been looking forward to this photo session. So much of her depression and suicidal ideation has come from things that people have said to her that have gotten a loud microphone in her head. Someone found out that she was trans and told her that she deserved to be raped until she died. People tell her she is a monster. So, when she’s low, these are the voices that repeat instead of me, as her mother, telling her that she’s beautiful, that she was made in God’s image and God doesn’t make mistakes, that her transness is not a mistake. This project is called ‘Are You OK?’ and while I love how many portraits there are of families with their teenagers because they deserve all that love and support, it’s hard to come here and not have my daughter with me.
Noelle either is going to live an authentic life, or she is going to die. When she first came out, I found a suicide note in her room. I decided I would rather have a happy child living their true identity than a kid in a casket, so I immediately took us shopping. I bought her make-up, a new wardrobe and ordered her some boobs off of Amazon. I just said ‘What can we do to make you comfortable inside your skin?’ Once we started doing that, I started getting my kid back. We took things slowly. She transitioned socially, and then she transitioned medically. But now we’re sitting here with an empty chair because it doesn’t matter how much support she gets at home if the broader support isn’t there. The attacks add up.
Kids need to have that radical acceptance, that radical love at home. Parents are taking their kids’ lives and their happiness away from them, and that’s not a parent. I don’t care how you were brought up, or what the Bible says. Your kid needs you, and so you suck it up and you smile, and you love them and you go buy them binders or you go buy them boobs, and you get a happy kid. It’s that simple. If I’m going to get judged, it’s going to be for radically loving and accepting my kid because the judgement is going to happen no matter what.
I wonder if people in positions of power have ever sat down and had a conversation with a trans person and their family, because they have a whole lot to say about us but I don’t think they’re listening at all. And they need to listen.